Tuesday, July 29, 2014

A Graphical Representation of My Wrenching Skills & How it Solicited Jalopnik's Comment of the Decade

So I saw this on Facebook and laughed, and thought it might evoke a similar response from appreciative Jalops over on Oppositelock.


This is my favorite response. To anything, ever:

"If I related this to my car, it would show me pouring the milk in a glass, but then the glass leaks. So I pour it into a tupperware bowl instead. I open the fridge and grab the chocolate syrup, but the bottle is empty. So I go to the store to buy more, but they don't make that syrup anymore, so I have to buy another bottle, but it's organic gluten-free, kosher, and 'fair-trade' chocolate syrup that costs $2.89 per ounce. It's the only syrup available, though, so I suck it up and buy it.

Then I go back home and find a fly and six ants floating in my bowl of milk. So I pour it out and go to pour more milk, only to knock the tupperware bowl off the counter and in my surprise I stumble and step on it and it shatters. So I pull out a small metal pot to pour the milk into while on the phone with the tupperware lifetime warranty no-break department. I pour the organic, gluten-free, kosher, fair-trade syrup into the pot of milk and reach for a spoon, only to find a drawer filled with nothing but forks and used chopsticks.

I grab a fork and start stirring, listening to the smooth jazz hold music. It's so soothing and I'm on hold for so long that I begin to daydream and doze, still stirring the entire time. When a representative comes back on the line, I get startled, which makes my arm twitch, which causes the pot to fall off the counter, landing on my foot and causing milk to splatter all over myself and the kitchen. I reach down to grab my foot in pain, only for the phone to fall and somehow land in such a away that it turns onto speakerphone mode.

I try and step over to grab the phone, but step on the tines of the fork in the process and begin yelling and screaming because one foot has been smashed by a pot of milk and the other is now copiously bleeding from a grievous fork-wound. The phone representative hears me swearing in the background and calls me an 'impossibly rude asshole youshouldbeashamedofyourself' and hangs up on me. 

At this point I throw the phone across the room- straight through a weak spot in the drywall. I yell "Oh fuck it!" and grab the now-half-empty gallon of milk, pour $5.00 worth of fair-trade kosher chocolate syrup into it and an proceed to shake it, only to realize I forgot to put the lid on, resulting in half-mixed chocolate milk spraying me in the face.

30 seconds later, after much swearing and blaspheming, I'm huddled in the corner, drinking half-mixed chocolate milk out of the jug, weeping, sobbing "At least I made it myself!" between swallows."

Bravo, Desu San-Desu, Bravo.

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